I haven’t had sex in eleven months. Eleven months. 11. Once el mes. Onze mois. I’ve gone eleven months before, but this time it’s different. The first time I went eleven months, it wasn’t by choice but by force and I knew the moment I had an opportunity to have sex, I’d go for it. However, this time around it’s different. I will be honest and admit that starting off it wasn’t by choice, but here I am eleven months later and I am by choice choosing this lifestyle of celibacy. I’ve found happiness and peace knowing that I am not giving myself to a fuck boy to only fuck me and fuck me over the moment he gets a chance too.
I’ll be the first to openly admit that in the past sex for me was a way of keeping my man happy and doing it because I felt like that’s was the only way to be liked and be loved, when at the end of the day, niggas will fuck anything with a set of lips and that in order to find love, you must first love and respect yourself.
Being celibate has also improved my relationship with men. When you go in with the mindset of, “Okay, I know for a fact I’m not fucking this guy and I’m letting this be known to him right off the bat.” Then you can weed out the guys who only want you for one thing and the guys who genuinely want a relationship with you. And now I can focus getting to know the guy for him and vice versa. We’re not worried about if and when we’re going to have sex especially if you lay down the law sooner than later.
I do not know how long I am going to do this. I am not necessarily waiting until marriage, but I am waiting until the right guy comes along. I just know that within the past eleven months, I’ve found peace, happiness, and love for myself that I thought I’d never find. I know what I want in a guy, I know what I don’t want in a guy. I know what I will put up with and what I won’t put up with. As I get older, I realize all of the games are old and tired. It’s time to settle down and find someone that I can eventually see myself getting married too in a couple of years.
“No one is in charge of your happiness, but you. Once you start living for yourself and making decision and doing things because you want to do them and not because of someone else, I promise life will get so much easier. And it’s crazy because it took me 23 years to learn that, but better late than never.” – Jasmine Hockaday
Growing up in life, I used to be one of those people who relied heavily on what others thought of me. I always felt that if I didn’t look a certain way, my peers would reject me. My ideal of beauty was so fucked up. I wanted long hair, a flat stomach, hips, and a fat ass. I wanted smaller feet, to be shorter, and have curly hair. There were so many things about myself that I wanted to change so that I could be that girl that all the niggas want and all the girls either want to be friends with or hate. Sometimes I sit and think, like why was my mindset that way?
I would often seek validation in the wrong way and from the wrong people. I thought if I had all the guys chasing after me, I was the shit. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and wrong way too. I thought if I put myself out there and had all the guys foundling over me, then that meant I was popping. Love truly starts wit yourself and if you don’t love yourself, then one one can love you because baby who can love you better than you?
It wasn’t until the summer before junior year of college where I really felt comfortable in my skin. I was starting to lose weight, had not men in life to seeking validation from, I had gotten a new job, and my own apartment with my best friends. Of course the hype from it all started to dwindling down and I was lost all over again with loving myself for me and who I am.
It wasn’t until my second semester of senior year that I truly felt comfortable in my skin and with who I was as a person. I know longer cared to fit with what my peers thought of me and my decisions. I was getting ready to graduate from college and none of them where going to land me the next big job that I wanted or get me into graduate school. I felt like I had focused so much of my attention on what others thought, instead of thinking about what I thought of myself that I missed out a couple of great years I could have had to myself.